Ever get that burnt out, I want to hide under my desk and sleep feeling? Yes, I’m there. Right now. I’m tired beyond repair. It’s my first week back from disability and I’m exhausted. I’m fighting a cold and my body is tired. I don’t want to be here. I don’t want to sit in any meetings. I don’t want to respond to useless emails. I keep finding myself struggling with feeling hopeless and saying to myself, there has to be more to life than this. There has to be more to life than this rat race.
My logical mind tells me I should be grateful that I have an amazing job. And not just any job, but the job I worked my ass off to get. Maybe even my dream job. I can’t help but feel maybe my dream has changed. But why do I feel guilty about it? I tried talking to my boyfriend about it last night and he said I should find happiness in the smaller things and hold onto that feeling for as long as possible. I agree with him to some extent but why does that sound like settling and being complacent? I don’t want to live a mediocre life. If you had asked me three months ago if I’d make it to 2016, I wouldn’t have been able to promise you that.
I’m struggling with figuring out the meaning of life. I know deep down it’s more than making money and working the 9-5. I’m grateful to have my health despite fighting this cold. I’m blessed to have a loving son that feels ‘sorry’ for me because I’m sick. In so many ways, I know I’m lucky. But I don’t want to waste my time at this office working, pushing paper, sending emails. I want my life to matter. I want to make a difference. I just don’t know what that looks like right now. Have you ever felt this way? What did you do? Please help!